Part of grief, part of life actually, is thinking deep dark thoughts. Thoughts that you don't share. Thoughts that haunt or make uncomfortable. I think with death, mental illness and dysfunction your thoughts sometimes lean towards the dark side. I think a lot of my darkness surrounds "that day" and this won't be the first time you hear about it. The day she died. I've brought some of my darkness to the light in this post. Healthy happy light.
I want to know your last thought
What you were thinking as you made the decision
while you were gazing at the tree with bark peeling down it's trunk
The tree I haven't looked at since that day
Could you hear our mumbled words as we sat downstairs
Did you know I was wearing a black north face and black leggings eating your favorite cereal
I sat down on the brown ottoman and you took a bath
I heard the water hug your body as you settled into it
I wish it were my arms that gave you your last warm embrace
Could you tell me why I didn't go up to say hi to you like I normally did
Did you know she loved/loves you endlessly and unconditionally and he always said he would buy you the moon if that fixed your broken parts
Did you even know I was there
Did you remember our " I love you"
Did you think with pain or were your thoughts chaotic and cursed
Did you have tears form puddles or were you full of acceptance and peace
Did light shine through the dark with freedom and wings
Did your heartache vanish and did the voices silence
Did you know we loved you and tried to help you with your pain
Broken parts are easier to fix than mis-crossed wires and evil voices
Did you know many people loved you and would miss you immensely
For over 200 came to mourn your loss
Crowded hallways and lines of sympathy
Old friends, new friends and even those that didn't know you but loved us enough to come and dry our tears and wrap their arms around us to keep us sane
Did you know that your loss brought people together and I witnessed tears on grown men, tears on friends and family I had never seen cry, we could have formed a lake with the water from our eyes
Did you know he was broken as well and never meant to hurt your heart
His love for you was real and true
Did you know I would crave Thursdays for it reminds me you're still in my heart but not in my hand
I think if we write it down, if we say it out loud, if we tell a friend or a family member, if we whisper in the night or scream it out loud, a weight will be lifted. An understanding will be met. A light will be shown. Find a way to let the dark out. To let light in.
