Did you know that at the time that my sister was alive and living with schizo-effective disorder, she was only given a 15% chance of living. This meaning that in order to survive this horrible illness 15% of them would choose to not take their life, 85% of them would.....I wrote this poem or rather a poetic letter from my perspective of how I think it would feel to be contemplating your life. I always (ever since my sisters death) have tried to really dig deep and try to imagine what she felt, the deep deep loneliness and unease. I know that loneliness is forever damaging. I know that those with depression feel it so vast and deep that sometimes it consumes their life.
I am lonely
I am sad
A sadness that is beyond what you feel
It's deep inside my bones and the furthest parts of my brain
I call out your name and look into your eyes hoping you see what's behind mine
no one understands what's truly inside
no one can fix me while I'm broken for there are no parts to replace mine
I am your quarterback, your sister, your brother, your mother, your father, your teacher, I am in the movies you love and the voice behind the songs you crave
I am anybody and everybody
I am black, white and any color in between
I am republican, democrat, liberal
I see life as a choice death does not scare me
it welcomes me
It is in death that I see my solution
really think about it
dig deep
search within your soul
Out of all your choices-getting better, getting clean, changing jobs, moving away
If weather were an option and that is what you chose, think of how scary that would be
I choose death not out of selfishness but out of selflessness
I see no out of this dark hole within me and death is the only way to survive
I am saving you
I am saving me
Do not cry over my stone
cry while I'm here and give me your love
I blame no one but myself
Know that I thought not of your grief and your loss
but of my hurt and my pain that I saw as never ending
A life full of pain
I would let you take it away if you could
I have never felt suicidal and in no way, shape or form am I trying to take away from what someone suicidal would feel like. I can only just imagine. I can picture it through observing my sisters pain. I can observe because I choose life and it scares me to think about putting death into my own hands. It puts it into perspective. With that said, with that fearful tremor, I can say, in my view, that those that have taken their life, view it as their only option. They are not selfish, they think life is better without them in it. The pain and the sorrow. The gut wrenching decision. The tears and the anger. The destruction with the aftermath of this decision is not even thought about. What horrible loneliness, the seclusion that swims within this thought. How can a soul be on fire and drown beneath the waves all at once? Burning while dropping deeper into the water. I can imagine that's what it feels like. Lost and gasping for breath, water and fire filling their lungs. Suffocating under the chaos. My heart hurts trying to grasp the concept and depth of this feeling. May we all try to see the other side. May we all try to understand and help.
Remember, if you go to my "about" page I have the line for the national suicide prevention lifeline and their website, but I will also put it below.
1-800-273-8255
www.sprc.org
Sometimes saving a life means taking a second to look, think, listen and see. Sometimes suicidal thoughts are vocal and sometimes they're silent.
Me with BrIttany's headstone
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