Grief is grief. It is not specific. It does not discriminate. It will tear you apart and it will bring you together. It will leave you with an ocean of tears and it will leave you in a thunderous rage. Grief is Grief. It first rips your insides out and then helps you heal. It will drain you and it will fill you up. It gives suffering a path to walk while holding its hand. You will not know yourself fully until you've experienced it and you will be changed forever once you've met it. You hate it and respect it. Grief is death's story.
There are five stages of grief, denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. They don't come in order.
Some stay longer than others.
Some come quickly.
Some take years and years to make an appearance.
Some get stuck.
Some reoccur.
There are no rules. There is no book on how to deal with them and what to do with them. Grief teaches you the waves. The pain and memories. Below is what I've experienced with grief and what I am still experiencing with grief because although its been 11 years since my sister's suicide, the waves of grief still show up .
DENIAL
You are my protector
You numb my growing pain
Throbbing and cutting deep
you keep it at bay
Cradle this empty space and fill it with her
Did you take that leap
I read your words last night
I heard you bathing this morning
Don't go
Stay
I hear your laughter
I hear your voice
I go to call you
Your body not near me
ANGER
Why'd you leave
Why'd you go
Why'd you break all our hearts
You've torn us to pieces and left our parts scattered among your grave
I need you beside me when I give my heart to him
I need your bones to keep our parents whole
You didn't leave us gracefully
You left with fire and destruction
I won't forgive you for what we saw
BARGAINING What I could have
What I should have
All my thoughts and forgotten words
I'll send you my heart if you send me her body
she can have what's left of me
I will listen
I will follow
I will walk down her broken path
I will do better
I will save her
Please give me one more chance
DEPRESSION
Take my body and rest it gently
Hold my head and kiss my mouth
Let me sleep until it's over
Let me sleep to see her face
Do not speak her name or tell me sorry
Let me crumble beneath the sheets
My tears form rivers and pull me under
I will drown within their hands
ACCEPTANCE
You
Are
GONE
You are whole and complete
You leave behind a world drunk with fear, rage, delusions, heartache and sadness
I do not
will not
blame you
For you lived long
bounded with chains
your soul a prisoner
your body, it's cage
your body in the ground
your soul in the clouds
bright light and breathing steady
I will remember you
I read a quote last night that really resonated with me
"Between grief and nothing, I will take grief."
-William Faulkner
I will take the pain and the broken parts.
