Crying
The most fascinating form of expression and the most diverse
Your bodies reaction to an emotion
You can cry when you're happy
When you see your baby for the first time
Your first look at your spouse when they turn to walk down the aisle
When a loved one comes home from war
When you win after sacrificing hours and hours of your time perfecting whatever craft you've chosen
You can cry out of anger, rage or frustration
When a lover has lied and deceived you
When something or someone has disappointed you
when you try, try and try again and nothing prevails
AND
You can cry out of sadness
From the deepest part of your heart
when hungry, swollen and dirty faces beg to be loved, fed and cared for
When innocence is taken advantage of
When suffering is at its worst and there is nothing to be done
When someone dies
Someone that has affected your life in such a way that them leaving earth in whatever way they are taken, hurts you so deeply that water pours out of your eyes and your body crumbles
THIS.
SADNESS.
Is the most physical out of all forms of crying
A deep rooted, out from your soul, vulnerable, unforgiving, face contorting, bent over falling to your knees, wanting to rip your heart from your chest and the moment from your memory, cry.
A human being is a human being until they are faced with death.
Then they turn into a raw, unhinged animal.
Dad was this way BrIttany
we all were
but
dad
You could see his soul broken in half and his breath stolen from him
Quickly how his life had changed
Something, someone he could not save
Down on the ground
Fists on the floor pleading with God to give you back then turning his back to God as if God had deceived him
His heart broken in two
his tears becoming a riverbed to lay upon
How did we not shrivel up and turn to dust
The picture that goes along with this blog post is one of my dad and I on the day of my wedding. It was his first time seeing me in my dress and I started crying right when I saw him. I cried because a flood of emotions struck me in my chest all at once... my sister took her life in March of 2008 and my wedding was that fall, October 2008. She was suppose to be my maid of honor. I remember asking her if she would be my maid of honor and she said of course but she may have to walk off. I remember telling the photographer that if she sees my sister walk off to not be alarmed and I remember telling my bridesmaids that it was ok if she did that because I understood. I also understood that she would try her best, with all her strength to stand up there in front of 200 people and not walk away. It was going to be hard, she knew that, but she wanted to be there. Instead, a bird cage took her place and stood as her hands when she was suppose to take my bouquet..I cried because she wasn't there, I cried because I know that my wedding was bittersweet for my parents. They now had one daughter instead of two to experience this with. My dad would never walk my sister down the aisle and my mom wouldn't spend hours looking at dresses with her. I cried because my mom told me to proceed with my wedding after her death and it was a whirlwind of sadness and excitement all at once. Two very large emotions that are sometimes catastrophic went felt all at once. I cried at the love and support I felt and I cried at the example of strength and grace that my parents displayed.
I have never felt a cry the way I did the day of your death BrIttany. It hurt. It hurt my body, it hurt my heart, it hurt my mind. It was a powerful wave of chaos I fear to feel again. We are of body and we are of mind and when the two come together they form the most beautiful chaotic explosion because truth be told, we are whole when they combine.
I think crying is beautiful. It is your mind showing your body what it is capable of. Working together to form a liquid embrace. Maybe that is why you are so exhausted after a good cry. Your body and your mind have worked so hard together to form such a reaction it is the calm after the storm. The release, the peace that forms afterwards.
If we couldn't cry, I wonder what would happen.
